Letting go is fear provoking.
People tell me what to do,
making decisions on my behalf.
All I want to do is say,
STOP!!!
That's enough from you!
I will decide for myself, what's good or appropriate,
NOT YOU.
But I don't.
I turn the anger,
the sadness,
the disappointment
inward,
and the only thing I show to others is the resentment.
How do I let go of those feelings and put them where they belong?
With the person who caused them.
Yes, you.
You caused the pain and anguish I have right now.
I bottle it up in fear that I will be pushed away sooner,
rather than later.
You have been around for only God knows how long,
and because of that, I am forced to retreat into myself.
The survival skill that has been forcibly learned,
to cope with the negative feelings,
such as the ones you have stirred in me.
I am afraid of you.
Afraid of myself.
Afraid of being alone.
So how do I let go of that fear,
when the time I have left, is always a reminder?
Why do I fear letting go,
when the opportunities I could gain, are so much better?
Don't even say it's because they are familiar,
or that they are comfortable.
Or even that they are something you are used to.
I AM NOT.
Every situation is different.
It's those damn feelings that are the same.
Sadness.
Anger.
Vengeance and anxiety.
You are their producer.
See! Once again, I let go of the control to you,
instead of the feelings that keep me feeling blue.
I need you to know that your place isn't in front of me.
You need to step behind,
if you are not willing to walk beside...
me.
I need to lead my own life,
not to shuffle in your shadow.
Maybe it will be best when I leave,
so that I can be removed from the toxicity.
It's time I put the past, even the last minute, behind me.
Cutting the ties to the emotional rope,
that is pulling me back to the depths of that discomfort.
Someone once told me,
"that in order to fight with the rats, you must first jump into the gutter."
I absolutely refuse to jump in there with you.
It's time to move on,
and I suggest you do to,
because you just might be left behind,
as once was I.
copyright © Michelle January 2000