Trust, who is or are the person's that I can trust?
My aunt tells me to have faith and trust in her that she will take care of me,
but she has let me down and hurt me so much.
The answer to this dilemma is easy to figure out by others,
as she is not the one to trust.
But to the contrary, I can always trust that she'll hurt me and that she'll believe her way is always the right way.
I had once learned how to openly trust and those who held it, died or moved away.
I trust that I am alone, and that is so painful.
I have been alone and struggling all my life to survive, but do I also need to trust that I'll never live?
It's almost ironic, I trusted that my seizures, my lifelong companion,
would always be there when no one person or group was and now they're gone.
Replaced by anxiety and depression. If I give up on those, who will I trust to help me cope and go on?
My dog whom I trust almost as if he's God's spirit living in my home is about to be forced out of my life.
Then what? I can promise a part of me will die.
Trust is just a word with no practice and meaning to my family and I don't know how and where to find it again.
I know I need to trust someone, but how without believing it will be used against me, to harm my life,
not heal it.
Trust is pain, sorrow and disarming.
With trust there are expectations.
How do I manage both without falling apart into the one I fear I could never trust, myself.
Who am I?
Do I need to make what a friend of mine called a Sophie's choice?
My dog or a home?
A dog who has kept me alive through days I'd rather have died,
or a home that has memories of assaults against me?
Is it that wrong to keep the love that has kept you alive and to have a home where we both can strive?
As I said, who do I trust and where will that lead me?
I pray it's to a better place than where I've been
and where I am now,
but life, at least mine, there is no guarantee...for the possitive to happen. That I trust.
Copyright: Michelle Poet -- January 2000